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April 01, 2022
Am I The Asshole: Husband Gets Too Friendly With His Surrogate & More!

What's up Wikimaniacs! In this episode of AITA a man gets too close to his surrogate, a woman might be too close with her ex-husband, a kid eats some "bad" cake, and we are going to r/confessions and doing our first ever Frid...


What's up Wikimaniacs! In this episode of AITA a man gets too close to his surrogate, a woman might be too close with her ex-husband, a kid eats some "bad" cake, and we are going to r/confessions and doing our first ever Friday Confessional! (I apologize in advance)

After listening let us know who you think is the biggest asshole in this episode and which story stuck out to you!

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Transcript
Speaker:

What's up Wiki, maniacs.

Speaker:

Welcome back to read it on Wiki.

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My name is Josh shell and I will be your host for today with me.

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Of course.

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Is the Pani Papi, Mr.

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John concept.

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Natto.

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What is up John?

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I am your daddy.

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Jeez,

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starting

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no, no, no,

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hot.

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I should never start with John.

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I always regret it.

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moving on, joining us as well is our cool cousin, Shawn Salvino what is up, Sean?

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Cool.

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So it's like, John, my uncle

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Yeah, he's the creepy uncle.

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makes sense.

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what is this?

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What was the episode that you did Sean, on the family?

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Oh, the Whitaker family.

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I feel like we're the Whitaker

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Oh God, know.

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I don't want to be them.

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I don't.

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They have a sad.

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story.

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It is sad.

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and our guests, this episode is the host of yield crime and pineapple pizza podcast.

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she is respectfully known as our pod mother, please welcome Lindsay Valenti.

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How are you, Lindsay?

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good.

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If we're the Whitaker family, should I be the one that's barking?

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And I feel like that's what I was,

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should have been doing when I came in.

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you can bark at the assholes in this episode.

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Good segue.

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Thanks.

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in today's episode, we have a husband who starts acting strange towards his surrogate, a woman who gets too close to her.

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A kid gets into some junk food.

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And then after the break, we are going to visit the subreddit R slash confessions, and we are going to have our first Friday confessional.

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Oh, I'm so excited.

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my God.

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Finally, going back to church.

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I thought we were going to sing a ushers, confessions

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Oh, I mean, you can do that if, if you want, when it's your time.

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I'll do it during the ad break.

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Yeah.

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Okay, perfect.

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is going to

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It will be just for you guys.

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I was going to say, we're not going to make that lie.

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We'll make it live to the Patrion.

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Maybe.

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Ooh, $25 tier.

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If you're a new listener, I dunno if you've heard my spiel yet.

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before we hop into the show, if you do have an MIT asshole story, you would like us to cover.

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Please send it to read it on Wiki pod@gmail.com or DMS on Instagram or Twitter at Reddit.

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Links for those are of course, in the show notes below top of that.

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If you're a returning listener, please consider giving us a rating and review on apple podcasts, Spotify, or pod chaser, or, you know, why not tell a friend about us if you really liked the show and want to get episodes a week early and ad-free, you can go to patrion.com/cultivate podcast.

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Now.

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And sign up to help support the show.

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I

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do I

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you, Lindsay does

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I'm a good Palm mom.

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even though she is part of the network and could we could easily just send her the episodes.

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I love supporting my good boys.

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She's like, here's your allowance for the week.

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Here you go, boys.

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You want some snack?

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Well, cookies.

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Thanks mom.

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Now I don't have a rhyme to move on to the next story.

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So we're just going to skip past it.

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Well, I say, sorry.

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Sorry, not sorry.

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Sorry.

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sorry.

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Sorry.

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Alright.

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First story of the day.

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Are you guys excited?

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I'm so excited.

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John looks excited.

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Sean could care less.

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I think.

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I said, let's go.

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I

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said, let's go rewind the.

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said it in a

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calm voice as to not interrupt you, Josh.

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I said, let's go,

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we are turning Sean combative today.

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wow, I'm just getting a lot of heat right now from no, for no reason.

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Stop

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picking on your cousin,

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I'm the cool cousin.

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Damn it.

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a Texan.

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You're supposed to be an asshole.

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Th that's a stereotypes.

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Josh has nice.

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Josh fits the stereotype.

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Molly's

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He's such a sweet Canadian boy.

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Okay.

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We're gonna move on before I get too uncomfortable.

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it's such a sweet, sweet bye.

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I the asshole?

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for telling my husband to stop disrespecting our surrogate?

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No.

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No.

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probably not by the sounds of it, but

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the sounds of it, I would assume.

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let's hop into it and see how bad the story can get.

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me, uh, 34 year old female, my husband hunter, 37 year old male suffered from fertility problems.

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We recently , decided to get a surrogate.

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Who's a friend of a friend.

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My egg was used.

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So no worries in this regard, plus our surrogate is respectful kind woman.

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Who's been keeping her part of the contract intact, but it's hunter, who's starting to act strange.

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I've noticed that he's been focusing all his attention on our surrogate, like skipping work to visit her or get her things.

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She didn't ask for chat with her all the time on social media and constantly offered to do things for her, like drive her places and sometimes even invite her out or offer to repair her stuff.

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She complained to me about this and even told me about things he's been doing that I didn't know about like bringing her gifts.

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I tried to speak to them about what this looks like, but you said he's doing what he's doing for his son and not for her still.

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I asked that he tone it down and respect the woman's space.

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He got mad at me and accused me of being jealous of a woman.

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Who's carrying my own child and said that this makes me look bad.

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I said our surrogate was the one who complained about this behavior.

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And he said that it wasn't true at all.

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Apparently this made him somewhat angry.

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So I gave him some time to cool down yesterday.

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Our surrogate called me saying that hunter came over and told her guests to leave.

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Uh,

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asked, yeah, I asked why.

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And she said that he wanted to show her the $9,000 car he just bought from.

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I'm sorry, what.

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Yeah.

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to your wife 9,000.

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I mean, that's cheap as far as car standards go, but I mean

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Shawn's like, that's a deal.

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That's a

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deal in my

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that?

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is a steely Deeley but you don't, you got to tell your wife you're spending $9,000.

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they're already going to be covering her medical expenses.

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She's getting paid to be

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a

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already getting paid.

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Jay, John can't even convince us wife to buy a PS five.

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chill.

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what I want to order, burrito bowls.

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I have to ask.

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If you want avocado, you have to

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ask

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That would be a dollar, sir.

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You're

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over your

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That's two 50 extra.

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fuck.

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yeah, so he bought this car for her.

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she then goes on to say, I was shocked.

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She said she declined the car and asked him to leave, but he started arguing with her about using public transportation and risking our baby's well-being.

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I was fuming.

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I called him demanding.

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He get home and he did eventually.

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Once he got back, I picked up fight with him and yelled at him by saying he's been nothing but overstepping, disrespectful and inappropriate towards our surrogate.

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Again, he explained the car wasn't for her, but to ensure that the baby's safe, I told him to stop disrespecting the woman and stop using the baby as an excuse to stomp all over her boundaries.

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He ranted about how he was just trying to make this work and that I should do the same.

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If not more.

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He even accused me of not loving our son as much as he does.

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Oh,

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brother.

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No.

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but this isn't the way and putting 9,000 for a car without telling me he left the house for a while, then came back and refuse to speak to me.

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I might've been hard on him.

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He might've just been oblivious, so I'm less sure seeing his reaction now, am I the asshole?

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No.

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No,

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my guy has zero respect for boundaries, respect for his partner and his wife and the surrogate like got down, like how hands-on you got to.

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For you

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to do that crap.

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That's too much.

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That is way too

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Yeah.

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I can understand to a point where it's like, oh, if, the person carrying your, baby is having a hard time with like struggling with money or struggling to maintain her living and helping.

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Sure I can understand that, but this is like a whole new level of what the fuck are you doing?

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It's one thing to like, if she doesn't have transportation to like drive her to appointments like

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that, I could understand like, I want to make sure you get to the checkups because it's important for your health and the baby's health.

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That's one thing buying her a goddamn car is a completely separate thing.

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And the whole time you were telling the story, it reminded me of, , what is it called now?

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I'm going to forget the name of it, but it's the movie that had Ellen page in it where she was pregnant.

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Juno.

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Thank you.

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It reminded me of the Juno relationship with the surrogate dad

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when they were going to adopt Like it

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I forget.

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Did he like hit on her or I

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forget what.

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yeah, they got a little too close to crossing the line.

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He freaked her out and then he bounced and was like, I don't want a baby anymore.

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And then

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Jennifer Garner was like, but I do.

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And then they ended up still having the kid.

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Anyway.

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I got real bad.

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Uh, things

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was that Jason Bateman vibes.

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Yeah.

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Bad.

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Jason Bateman vibes.

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do.

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We think like there, do we think his intentions were more like, do you think he was trying to,

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don't think he was trying to hit on her,

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but I think

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he is.

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maybe, but you want to yell at somebody, right.

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If you're trying to woo them.

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Well, I don't know if you've been on the dating scene.

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I've heard a lot of stories from my female friends who are in the dating.

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that happens more than you would think.

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unfortunate.

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Uh, well,

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Why don't you want to date me?

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I'm an alpha male.

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I remember

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I remember

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Fuck you.

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I didn't want to date you anyway.

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I'm a nice guy, but my cock is huge and my parents are away.

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I'm also 39.

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and live in their basement, but it's cool.

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Cause I decorated it myself with my adult money.

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Yeah.

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I think he may actually be doing it for the baby, but he's like, doesn't respect his spouse enough to like, include her in decisions for the baby.

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all of this should have been like,

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Discussed.

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through the wife and Discussed.

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prior.

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Like you don't drop, $9,000 without telling your spouse.

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I don't care if I don't know what the situation is.

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Even if you.

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The only technically the breadwinner of the family that doesn't matter.

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You're still in a marriage.

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You're fucking, your lives are one,

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essentially.

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So you can't just be fucking $9,000.

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Can you imagine

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if my, if my wife found out, I just spent $9,000.

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Oh my

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I clear 50 bucks with my husband.

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Like if I am going to be spending more than $50 on something, I tell him

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because we share finances, like.

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I don't do that.

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Mine is

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Well, well on the, he does the same thing too.

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Like if he's going to be spending more than a hundred bucks, he's like,

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this is what's going on.

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Yeah.

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You just let your spouse know what you're purchasing.

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Yeah.

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It doesn't matter if it's a big thing or a little thing.

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You just, you just say, Hey, I'm going to buy this.

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And then, I mean, obviously a car is more of a discussion, but if you're

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like,

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A huge.

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yeah,

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yeah,

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for your surrogate, not even for like, I don't understand.

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I

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bought this for our son.

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Yeah,

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can't drive it for another

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several years,

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but.

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Yeah,

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Don't you feel like it's super counter-intuitive that he's trying to do all these things to.

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Possibly unstressed her, but in realities, he's really striking the fuck out of her

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for the surrogates at a point that it's like, yo, I'm uncomfortable.

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You need to chill.

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Like I'm carrying your

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kid.

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Don't stress me out.

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And I'm going to, I'm going to try and play devil's advocate here.

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So he was what, 37 he's 37 years old.

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And they haven't been able to conceive and it's their first.

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It's entirely possible.

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He's doing what he thinks is right.

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To make her comfortable, to make sure nothing happens to the baby, but the way in which he is doing it is not okay.

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it's, one thing to be like, can I give you something?

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Do you want, can I get groceries for you?

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Take, take her to appointments, things like that.

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That's fine.

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Maybe not buy her a car.

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That's

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kick her guests out and give her a car.

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Yeah, no, you make a, you make a good point.

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I do feel for him in a certain way, because they've clearly been dealing with this for a while.

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this sounds like it was their last, Uh,

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their, their, last plan.

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Yeah, try.

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so I could see in a way why he's so obsessive, maybe he's just really, really worried that it's not gonna work out.

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I know a lot of, people with fertility issues have a lot of miscarriages, so maybe he's just, really cautious and has experienced too much, so I, maybe not the asshole, but

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you

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No.

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no,

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he's still an asshole.

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Don't get me

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He's still an

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asshole, but like a well-intentioned asshole.

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I think he's just got to pull his head out of his ass.

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you go.

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I think, I think he sees the whole surrogate thing as an investment and he's trying to just protect the asset.

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So he's trying to pour resources on the asset, but he's approaching it like an asshole.

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That's what he's doing,

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I know you went and did that to be a pun, but that is disgusting if he looks at both of them as objects,

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you know?

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All right.

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So we can, I think most of us are saying either asshole or being kind of asshole ish, , in this scenario.

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if not to the surrogate, definitely to the wife for disrespecting both, of them.

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, and

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being,

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that she doesn't care enough.

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Yeah.

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True.

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We didn't talk about that enough.

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Yeah, you're right.

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He's an asshole.

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You're you're correct.

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so we're gonna move on to our second store.

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Am I, the asshole for being too close to my ex-husband and two closes in quotation marks.

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So clearly

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Retro

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her Six years ago, I got divorced from my now ex-husband there was no drama that led to this.

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We simply realized we were no longer happy or in love.

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So it would have been a clean break, if not for the fact that we had a daughter who is now 11.

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Neither of us wanted to lose full custody of her or miss important in moments in her life.

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She is the most important person in both of our lives.

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And we debated on trying to make it work just for her, but realize that would only lead to the three of us becoming miserable.

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So we entered an arrangement many would view as unconventional.

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When we sold our house, we use the money to buy two semi-detached homes that were joined and had a door installed between them.

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The construction company tried to warn us against this, as it would affect the resale value, but neither of us had any intention to sell.

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So we had them go ahead with it.

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Oh my God.

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This is just a run-on sentence everywhere.

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Uh, so we had them go ahead with it.

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we also had them take down the fence between both of our backyard gardens so that our daughter would have an extra large backyard to play in.

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Okay.

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Many of you may balk at the door, but there was an agreement.

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It is strictly for our daughter's use and neither of us can use it, barring an emergency, say a fire, a medical emergency, or something being wrong with our daughter.

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She has two bedrooms, one in each house and every day she can pick where she wants to have breakfast, dinner, and sleep.

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That's kind of a cool idea.

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Yeah,

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that's

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cool.

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of.

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I won't lie.

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It was awkward at first, but for her sake, we made it work and even regained a lot of friendship.

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We had lost though.

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It was, of course, strictly platonic.

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Now last year, my ex-husband married his girlfriend of three years, a lovely woman who I'm actually friends with.

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And I was even a guest at their wedding with my daughter being one of their bridesmaid.

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All in all, it is an arrangement that everyone is content with.

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Except for my boyfriend, who I started to date two years ago, he understood the arrangement entering into the relationship.

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And while he said it was a bit weird, he never protested it.

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And it all seemed well, things are getting more serious and we've been discussing, moving in together and he has made it clear that he wants me to move as he doesn't want to live next door to my ex.

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I understood that, but I told him that it wouldn't be happening as my daughter had to come first.

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And our arrangement gave her a stable upbringing.

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He got upset with me and asked me how he was supposed to be a father to my daughter when she already had a dad literally a wall away.

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I won't lie.

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This took me by surprise.

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As I had no idea, he wanted to be a father to her.

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I told him gently, but firmly that he wasn't her fault.

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that she already had one.

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And even her father's wife, didn't try to be a mother.

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Instead.

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She calls her by her name.

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I told him if he wanted to be any kind of familial title, he could be an uncle, but I wouldn't give him permission to take her father's title.

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When he is very much involved in her life, he told me if I loved him, I'd move for him.

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And despite me trying to tell them, I do love him.

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He isn't listening.

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Am I the asshole in that?

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This one's a toughie.

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I'm going to say no,

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if you boil it down to what the root cause, not the root cause, but boil it down to what's really important.

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It's their relationship with their daughter.

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And as if the daughter wasn't in the picture, then yes, I would have said like, girl, you got some issues, but because the daughter is the center of their life and the fact that the other party has an understanding and it's the boyfriend, it's kind of like the outlier.

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I'm going to say no, like it's, there's, there's an understood, arrangement here.

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And that's a word for co-parenting I guess that's their form of co-parenting.

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Yeah, I think I agree for the most part.

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It's just like The whole, you're not going to be her dead thing.

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It's like

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harsh.

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I think.

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I mean, they, they are just dating.

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They're just moving out.

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But I mean, they're not like engaged or anything, but it's like, eventually you would want to reach that point.

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Right.

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But I get it, like it's different if the father has passed away or something like that,

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Or if he's not in the picture, like

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he's, he's still alive, but he's not an active

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Yeah.

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Because he's never going to be her father, no matter what,

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he could be a stepfather to her

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and a father figure.

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people call their stepfather.

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You know, dad.

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father, like you can't, you, it sounds harsh saying he can never be that child's parent.

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You know what I mean?

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Cause I have friends with adopted parents or friends that have like stepdads and they consider them and their biological dad is also still in their life.

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A hundred percent, both debts, a hundred percent fine.

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Like that's the thing it's okay.

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Well, and I feel like given the age of their child, wouldn't it be up to her to decide how she wants to refer to him?

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I mean,

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she's old enough where she would be able to be like, yeah, I want to just call you by your first name or sure.

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I want to refer to you as my dad,

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but again, she already has one that lives literally right next door.

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If not with her, depending on what house she's living in at that point in time.

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I feel like as the boyfriend coming into that situation, it's really kind of a weird, situation.

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but yeah, she's not an asshole for being like, I'm going to put my kid first because

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the kid was there first.

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you don't mess with somebody's kids and, that's just something you need to know, going into a relationship with someone who has children, if it's a healthy relationship, it's the kids are always going to come first.

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as

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yeah,

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we come first to you, right?

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you guys always come first.

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I send you money.

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I send you gifts.

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you do

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Chickie.

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show up on our show

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I do.

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the only thing I would push back on is I get it's a weird situation, but if you're coming into that situation, knowing this is the situation, you want a relationship with this person, you have to be comfortable with this situation.

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Like this is not comfortable necessarily, but you have to go into it with an open mind.

Speaker:

I'd say the only really asshole ish thing he said was, she has to move because he can't be a dad.

Speaker:

If the dads they're like that doesn't make any sense to me.

Speaker:

yeah, you can still be a father figure without being her dad.

Speaker:

Exactly.

Speaker:

Even if he is right next door, you're still going to be in the one house that she lives in 50% of the time, you're still going to be a father figure to her or, or a parent figure at least,

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker:

whether she calls you dad or not as whatever.

Speaker:

this is what just came up in my head.

Speaker:

if this is such a shock, like maybe he hasn't ever brought this up because maybe he's never thought about it until then.

Speaker:

Like he just wanted to move out for his own selfish reasons maybe.

Speaker:

And when I drove her, she was like, oh, it's about the kid.

Speaker:

And then he tried to make it about the kid also.

Speaker:

I don't know if that makes sense.

Speaker:

I want you to move out Mo Like deep down has real reason is he he doesn't want to be close to the husband.

Speaker:

right.

Speaker:

And then when she was like, well, it's about the kid, Then he was like, well, I'll never be as like, if

Speaker:

he really wanted to be a father figure, sometime within those two years, you would be like, Hey, like, I wanna, be a father figure for your daughter.

Speaker:

You know, you think

Speaker:

that would pop up sometime in two years

Speaker:

until just like a last ditch effort to make her move.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker:

It is an unconventional co-parenting style, because they're literally right next door, they're literally right there, there is just a door separating you from that, house in that household, so I could get how maybe part of it isn't necessarily that he doesn't want her to be close to her daughter.

Speaker:

Maybe it's more of a, we should be able to do our own thing regardless of.

Speaker:

Your ex-husband and his new wife.

Speaker:

Do you know

Speaker:

what I mean?

Speaker:

Like more of like a, we should be able to be autonomous

Speaker:

without the winds of your ex and his wife.

Speaker:

right.

Speaker:

My only pushback would be he's been here for two years,

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker:

That's that's the other caveat is like, you should have known at this point, what do you have gotten yourself into

Speaker:

yeah.

Speaker:

Or brought it up at some point, you know what I mean?

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker:

And just realized this is not going to be happening.

Speaker:

I think you guys all make a valid point about the daughter being at an age already where like she can kind of make a decision.

Speaker:

But I think I do say that she's not an asshole, like when it comes to that terms.

Speaker:

But, , I do think that she also needs to think of a contingent plan on how their life is going to be like when the daughter is like of age to move out, And I just

Speaker:

feel like there.

Speaker:

Trapping themselves in that living situation, like your daughter is going to grow up someday and she's going to be her own person.

Speaker:

what are you going to do to in the future to kind of move on on that fact?

Speaker:

I think

Speaker:

her approach, her approach is kind of like very nearsighted and just, just thinking of the immediate.

Speaker:

situation, but I think she just needs to see the big picture down the line.

Speaker:

Like what's going to happen when a relationship when her daughter becomes older.

Speaker:

Yeah, the, the door is weird.

Speaker:

I'll admit that like you could just have her go outside to the other door,

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker:

I'm not going to hate on them for making it work.

Speaker:

And you're definitely not the asshole.

Speaker:

I think we've all agreed on that.

Speaker:

I don't think the boyfriend's necessarily an asshole, unless like Sean said he pivoted his argument to be around the kid, but, uh, we, uh, we don't have any proof around that.

Speaker:

So, no, one's the asshole.

Speaker:

It's just An awkward

Speaker:

situation,

Speaker:

situation.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker:

Fun fact, Tim Burton.

Speaker:

Helena Bonham Carter also have a house set up like that.

Speaker:

They live in two separate houses and there's, they're connected for their children.

Speaker:

Interesting.

Speaker:

my fat ass thought of Tim Horton's.

Speaker:

Do they have a door?

Speaker:

Yeah, there's literally a hallway that connects their two houses.

Speaker:

Wow.

Speaker:

Don't know if I do that, but good for them,

Speaker:

They've got the money.

Speaker:

It's fine.

Speaker:

Exactly true.

Speaker:

That's fine.

Speaker:

there anyway.

Speaker:

Probably not.

Speaker:

All right.

Speaker:

Moving on to the next story.

Speaker:

am I the asshole for getting upset with my best friend's son for giving my son cake?

Speaker:

Sorry.

Speaker:

Kind of cake.

Speaker:

Is it

Speaker:

What kind of cake, what kind of cake would offend you the most?

Speaker:

what cake?

Speaker:

Oh my God.

Speaker:

I do not like carrot cake.

Speaker:

You don't like carrot

Speaker:

cake.

Speaker:

Really?

Speaker:

Carrot cakes.

Speaker:

Pretty solid,

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker:

It's not like

Speaker:

The spices.

Speaker:

No.

Speaker:

actually.

Speaker:

No,

Speaker:

Anything with raisins in it.

Speaker:

Oh, wait, don't put raisins in it.

Speaker:

That's weird.

Speaker:

There are

Speaker:

some carrot cakes that have raisins in them.

Speaker:

That's

Speaker:

That is not as a crime.

Speaker:

That is a hate crime.

Speaker:

And I will report that if someone fed me that I

Speaker:

will report the shit out of that person

Speaker:

That's like when someone gives you chocolate chip cookies and

Speaker:

then you eat it and it's

Speaker:

actually raisins

Speaker:

and you're like, what the fuck?

Speaker:

you are the asshole.

Speaker:

If you do that shit to

Speaker:

me.

Speaker:

the asshole

Speaker:

They're just chocolate covered raisins.

Speaker:

we're getting

Speaker:

so mad.

Speaker:

We haven't even gotten to the store.

Speaker:

How dare you.

Speaker:

All right.

Speaker:

my son is eight years old and recently attended his friend's eighth birthday party.

Speaker:

This friend is my best friends.

Speaker:

I don't let my son have any slash much junk food at all.

Speaker:

And usually he brings his own snacks for this incident.

Speaker:

It was a carrot stick and ranch to events that have lots of sugary foods.

Speaker:

So he brings and ranch

Speaker:

He's the

Speaker:

just,

Speaker:

at this child,

Speaker:

this poor kid.

Speaker:

oh God.

Speaker:

my best friend bakes a lot and made a special chocolate cake for his son's birthday.

Speaker:

When it comes to my son, I don't let them have cake.

Speaker:

That was unspoken.

Speaker:

You didn't have to say that, but

Speaker:

It was implied.

Speaker:

yeah.

Speaker:

this is a personal preference for his health, not any allergy reasons and he's not diabetic or gluten-free, my son knows he isn't allowed to have cake because of the additives.

Speaker:

When he told his best friend this at the party, his friend apparently got upset and told him that it was quote good.

Speaker:

And not bad cake bad.

Speaker:

Like I say, because his mom made it and it was his birthday cake.

Speaker:

My son ate the cake and got a sugar rush and crashed making him cranky for the rest of the day.

Speaker:

I told my friend, she needs to have some kind of consequence for her son to teach him not to peer pressure, other children, into eating things.

Speaker:

They are not allowed to have.

Speaker:

She said, because it wasn't an issue of allergies or.

Speaker:

That she's sorry, my son was cranky, but she won't be punishing her son or talking to him about it on his birthday.

Speaker:

She also says that she'll watch him more closely in the future, as well as having a chat with them on another day about respecting food habits.

Speaker:

And then in brackets, she says, I love my friend, but historically she and her husband have always said yes to their son and not giving them any consequences for anything.

Speaker:

Both of us were present at the birthday party and did not see them sharing the cake.

Speaker:

They were outside eating in the backyard with their fathers and some other parents supervising while we cleaned up.

Speaker:

So it's not an issue of anyone going behind anyone's back, just teaching children, boundaries and respect.

Speaker:

I let my son stay for the rest of the party and be with his friends.

Speaker:

So it's not like I ruined the day.

Speaker:

Am I the asshole for being upset with my friend's son and the fact that she won't punish her son for pressuring my son into eating.

Speaker:

Yes.

Speaker:

Yeah, you are, you are an asshole

Speaker:

and here's why, here's why you're an asshole.

Speaker:

It's a goddamn birthday party.

Speaker:

There's going to be cake at the birthday party.

Speaker:

If you don't want your son to have cake at a birthday party, you tell your friend, Hey, please.

Speaker:

Don't give my son a piece of cake because I don't believe in cake.

Speaker:

God forbid your son have an ounce of happiness, uh, for, for once in his life, as someone who enjoys desserts and, food,

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker:

you are absolutely asshole.

Speaker:

It's like Yeah.

Speaker:

There's no allergies.

Speaker:

, it would be scary if the kid was allergic or gluten had a gluten intolerance or some, some shit.

Speaker:

But like, if that were the case, then like Lynn said, you would tell the other parent , Hey, these are the dietary restrictions on my kid.

Speaker:

They can't have this, they can't have that, but you just no problems, 30 kid into the birthday party, not watching the kid.

Speaker:

shit's going to have a, cake's going to be eaten and it's fine.

Speaker:

He's cranky for one day.

Speaker:

Not even a day, just like the rest of the day.

Speaker:

So yeah.

Speaker:

I don't

Speaker:

And you know, what, if anyone's the asshole, it's your husband for not watching your son

Speaker:

and letting them meet the cake.

Speaker:

the husband's probably like, well, I don't

Speaker:

Oh, well,

Speaker:

yeah, whatever, how let them have

Speaker:

She's like, he's like just high

Speaker:

behind on the swing set son.

Speaker:

Like.

Speaker:

let them eat cake.

Speaker:

She literally decapitated him as soon as they got

Speaker:

home.

Speaker:

How dare you?

Speaker:

I think I was, I was convinced like a a hundred percent certain she was the asshole whenever she was talking.

Speaker:

Her best friend's parental style.

Speaker:

And I'm like, nah, you don't do that.

Speaker:

You

Speaker:

don't, if I could do that, you don't tell a parent how to parent

Speaker:

you don't do that shit.

Speaker:

Your asshole.

Speaker:

Yeah, You're the asshole for sure.

Speaker:

Damn.

Speaker:

oh,

Speaker:

Oh.

Speaker:

okay.

Speaker:

I still say she's an

Speaker:

John's like the eight year.

Speaker:

Old's a

Speaker:

fucking asshole.

Speaker:

Now I wouldn't say like, she's a full, like, I feel like you guys are saying like she's full on asshole, right?

Speaker:

Is that the

Speaker:

consensus?

Speaker:

I think she's just asshole is.

Speaker:

she kinda made it clear from the beginning.

Speaker:

Like, Hey, we live a certain lifestyle and that's just, I don't know.

Speaker:

I just feel like if the, her and her friend are pretty close, she should kinda know that that's how they live.

Speaker:

If they're, it's implying that they're close based on the thing, but it's a fucking eight year old party.

Speaker:

You can't assume that everyone's in, remember how their

Speaker:

friends live their

Speaker:

There's yeah, there's 10, 20, 20 kids running around at a fucking birthday party.

Speaker:

You're not going to remember which one has, you know, is allergic to peanuts.

Speaker:

Don't, don't send your kids to any, if I have kids, don't send them to my parties.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker:

track of them.

Speaker:

I'm going to put

Speaker:

them underneath the pin yatta and have them have their mouth wide open as the candy falls out.

Speaker:

but I think it's your son.

Speaker:

You're responsible for them.

Speaker:

if they eat something they're not supposed to that's on you and your, spouse.

Speaker:

it's not on anyone.

Speaker:

Else's, unless they're literally forced feeding him the cake, which doesn't sound like the kid was.

Speaker:

And even then it's an eight year old kid who you can't get mad at him.

Speaker:

Like he's not, he doesn't know.

Speaker:

What quote unquote bad are.

Speaker:

You going to burn that shit.

Speaker:

We're not shut off.

Speaker:

Like so fast.

Speaker:

They run around like,

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker:

Put the metabolism as an eight

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker:

well, and the kid is like, my mom made this.

Speaker:

Why don't you want to have the cake?

Speaker:

My mom made,

Speaker:

he just wants his friend to have a piece of cake.

Speaker:

It's not

Speaker:

like he's asking his friend to shoot up heroin or something, you know, like

Speaker:

But he could in a few years, Lindsey,

Speaker:

Because he

Speaker:

had

Speaker:

that sugar

Speaker:

it's a gateway.

Speaker:

drug.

Speaker:

It's a slippery slope,

Speaker:

is

Speaker:

that booger sugar at jugaad me sniffing around.

Speaker:

so I think we're in agreement, , a hundred percent assholes, I believe.

Speaker:

And With that, we will move on to our ad break.

Speaker:

, so stay tuned because when we come back from the break, it's time for confessionals.

Speaker:

So time to

Speaker:

to dump.

Speaker:

Oh yeah,

Speaker:

This is

Speaker:

yeah.

Speaker:

yeah.

Speaker:

knees.

Speaker:

No, please.

Speaker:

Don't

Speaker:

she's pregnant.

Speaker:

please.

Speaker:

Don't

Speaker:

Where's my $9,000

Speaker:

These are my confessions.

Speaker:

enjoy these ads and

Speaker:

Uh, a on this side says you got,

Speaker:

what on my confession, man, I'm done.

Speaker:

And I don't know, dude.

Speaker:

We are back our ad break.

Speaker:

Thank you, Sean, for that beautiful singing.

Speaker:

Thank you.

Speaker:

You're welcome.

Speaker:

watching, we're really getting into character here today.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker:

So Josh is a

Speaker:

Darth Maul.

Speaker:

at the mall, that's what I'm going

Speaker:

for.

Speaker:

you know, with all our tick-tock fame, I figured let's up the budget

Speaker:

Motherfucker fix her background.

Speaker:

First, if you're trying to help the budget, it'll make you put a murder.

Speaker:

confessing your sins to me.

Speaker:

God damn it.

Speaker:

Hey, watch your mouth

Speaker:

Oh yeah.

Speaker:

We're in church.

Speaker:

that's the most, culty thing you've done in a while.

Speaker:

you know, while.

Speaker:

He hasn't had new episodes out, right jail.

Speaker:

Yeah, the fucking age is happening.

Speaker:

We're watching it live.

Speaker:

This is it

Speaker:

ask for tides next.

Speaker:

I'll demand them actually.

Speaker:

so today I went to, well, it wasn't today.

Speaker:

Whenever I wrote the script, I went to R slash confessions on Reddit.

Speaker:

And, today, each one of you is going to confess something to me as if you were the Redditor.

Speaker:

Writing the confession.

Speaker:

So Lindsay, if you wouldn't mind, please start off the confessions today.

Speaker:

So act like you're coming into, the booth, whatever it's called.

Speaker:

I forgot it's

Speaker:

The

Speaker:

confessional.

Speaker:

Okay.

Speaker:

Should I, should I sit?

Speaker:

So I'm like

Speaker:

They call a pew

Speaker:

Why is it

Speaker:

not a, pew?

Speaker:

Pew is a

Speaker:

C right?

Speaker:

the pews, the chair,

Speaker:

Oh shit.

Speaker:

I don't, I don't go to fucking church.

Speaker:

A pew is the like bench that you sit on.

Speaker:

No, it's the noise.

Speaker:

Laser guns make idiots.

Speaker:

Yes.

Speaker:

Darth Maul.

Speaker:

That's Mr.

Speaker:

Darth Maul to you.

Speaker:

Father Darth

Speaker:

forgive me, father for I tell pariah night have sinned.

Speaker:

Uh, yes, my child confess your sins to.

Speaker:

Is that what they say?

Speaker:

I didn't look up any of that.

Speaker:

I just got the costume

Speaker:

Yeah, no.

Speaker:

What you said sounded way

Speaker:

Okay.

Speaker:

What do they say?

Speaker:

Uh,

Speaker:

who's done a lot of confessionals, Shawn,

Speaker:

uh, they're just like, Uh, you, you say, forgive me, father for, I have Sam.

Speaker:

They're like.

Speaker:

And then you, you say all your shit and then they're like, you know, the act of contrition and the fucking Catholic shit.

Speaker:

Nobody cares.

Speaker:

No one

Speaker:

Okay.

Speaker:

Okay.

Speaker:

Do I have to do hail Mary's afterwards

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker:

I can do hail Mary's.

Speaker:

That's when you throw a football really far, right.

Speaker:

But I could throw a football over the mountains.

Speaker:

Hi, uncle Rico.

Speaker:

Please continue.

Speaker:

All right.

Speaker:

When I worked as a valet, as a teenager, I chipped the paint on a $90,000 car and never reported it later.

Speaker:

When I gave it back to him, he took me 20 bucks.

Speaker:

Wow.

Speaker:

please, please continue with the story.

Speaker:

I've always been a great, careful, confident defensive driver drove extremely carefully, especially when they belong to other people.

Speaker:

Even if it was busy, I wouldn't rush.

Speaker:

That's what she said wasn't it.

Speaker:

I forgot

Speaker:

what,

Speaker:

to me?

Speaker:

This is church.

Speaker:

sorry, father.

Speaker:

Sorry, father.

Speaker:

Sorry, father.

Speaker:

I've sinned against.

Speaker:

That's sin.

Speaker:

Number two.

Speaker:

Sorry.

Speaker:

even if it was busy.

Speaker:

I wouldn't rush that.

Speaker:

Wasn't it.

Speaker:

I forgot which model this car was, but it was some kind of alpha Romeo, I believe with a very long bumper pointing forward.

Speaker:

Very sharp.

Speaker:

what God drives.

Speaker:

I think.

Speaker:

Maybe.

Speaker:

Showing a fucking chariot.

Speaker:

Well, when I went to park, I pulled forward just barely too much to where that pointy bumper smacked into the concrete wall.

Speaker:

Very little damage.

Speaker:

It got a little scrunched up and strip the paint from that pointy part.

Speaker:

You know, the front bumper

Speaker:

made a fucking loud bang though.

Speaker:

I'm sorry, father.

Speaker:

Sorry.

Speaker:

Holy that's third sin today.

Speaker:

Sorry, go into hell.

Speaker:

Very embarrassing.

Speaker:

I was 18.

Speaker:

And wasn't told about any insurance from the ballet company.

Speaker:

I didn't know shit.

Speaker:

Sorry.

Speaker:

That's my other bad.

Speaker:

I'm sorry.

Speaker:

Sorry.

Speaker:

I thought I would just be indebted to this guy and he was so nice and cool.

Speaker:

All smiles.

Speaker:

Tip me $20 and went on his way.

Speaker:

I'm

Speaker:

so sorry, guy.

Speaker:

I still feel guilty years later and we'll never brush something like that under the rug again,

Speaker:

or my rug.

Speaker:

I was going to forgive you,

Speaker:

One line too many curls.

Speaker:

I'll go bathe myself in holy water.

Speaker:

just, just use the hose out.

Speaker:

So, yeah.

Speaker:

, apart from the, , swearing, you know, watch, watch your language.

Speaker:

It's, uh, it's not polite in, in church, but,

Speaker:

You're 18, you made a mistake, you are forgiven from all your sins.

Speaker:

and God forgives you.

Speaker:

I don't, I don't know what they say at the end either.

Speaker:

So that's again, I did not look this part up.

Speaker:

All right.

Speaker:

You, you may, you may go

Speaker:

Thank you for

Speaker:

next.

Speaker:

Forgive me father for I ear pits, underscore he is have done a bad, bad day.

Speaker:

All right.

Speaker:

You know, it's forgive me, father for, I have sin.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker:

It's okay.

Speaker:

You know what?

Speaker:

Just continue.

Speaker:

Continue.

Speaker:

you fucked up father.

Speaker:

I, I didn't write this, your ad living now.

Speaker:

You did I'm reading from a script

Speaker:

No, no, no, no, no, This I wrote a

Speaker:

Well,

Speaker:

Alright,

Speaker:

Anyways, I dropped the baby when I was about nine

Speaker:

holy

Speaker:

shit.

Speaker:

Okay.

Speaker:

uh, I never ever told their mom or my mom.

Speaker:

Well, okay.

Speaker:

pretty pretty bad, please, please continue.

Speaker:

Tell me what happened next.

Speaker:

So I was like nine or 10 and my dad's best friend got a new girlfriend and she had a kid.

Speaker:

We met up for drinks and after they came back my house for a bit, and I took her son to go and watch a film.

Speaker:

And while I was carrying him out, he was so heavy.

Speaker:

So I dropped them motherfucker.

Speaker:

This is a baby

Speaker:

Oh

Speaker:

my God,

Speaker:

watching a film

Speaker:

I don't know

Speaker:

Please wait your turn for confession.

Speaker:

Hey actually, father that's fucked up, man.

Speaker:

He dropped a baby.

Speaker:

Holy shit,

Speaker:

father open

Speaker:

I know things are soundproof.

Speaker:

Goddammit,

Speaker:

as a Catholic.

Speaker:

They are very much not

Speaker:

soundproof.

Speaker:

please, please.

Speaker:

Sorry for that interruption, please continue.

Speaker:

I'm cherries.

Speaker:

Goddamn people interrupting me all the time.

Speaker:

Hold on.

Speaker:

Anyways, father?

Speaker:

I digress.

Speaker:

He was like one and that bitch started crying.

Speaker:

everyone heard it and I just blamed it that he wanted his mom.

Speaker:

We never saw her again.

Speaker:

Uh, Uh, I assume the baby was okay.

Speaker:

Did You kill the mother?

Speaker:

You did make an accent that did sound like you've murdered her, but,

Speaker:

never

Speaker:

We never saw her again.

Speaker:

again, would my waffle fries.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker:

I was going to say, you sound like the waffle fry guy.

Speaker:

The Chick-fil-A

Speaker:

That's what I was going for.

Speaker:

Well, sir, you know, you were nine.

Speaker:

I assume the kid grew up.

Speaker:

Okay.

Speaker:

So, you know, we make, we all make mistakes.

Speaker:

you, you are forgiven for your sins.

Speaker:

God forgives you and you can get into heaven or whatever you believe in.

Speaker:

Peace out, father,

Speaker:

please let the next person in, who was shouting.

Speaker:

Sean, get

Speaker:

Please leave the confessional,

Speaker:

dropped a fucking baby.

Speaker:

Holy shit.

Speaker:

You're going to hell first, sir.

Speaker:

We'll wait to hear what you did.

Speaker:

Sorry.

Speaker:

Before we

Speaker:

pass judgment,

Speaker:

I hate how you made me go last because Lynn's and John are going all out on voices and I would tell you right now

Speaker:

going to be me,

Speaker:

We'll pretend

Speaker:

this was you.

Speaker:

but I also don't want this to be pretended as, as me.

Speaker:

Cause I did not do whatever this person.

Speaker:

Oh God, the first sentence I'm already like, this is bad.

Speaker:

please.

Speaker:

Uh, please go ahead, sir.

Speaker:

Forgive me father or Jesus Christ

Speaker:

He's not here right now.

Speaker:

Yeah, he's he's left the building after the baby dropping guy.

Speaker:

I hate this.

Speaker:

Uh,

Speaker:

okay, here we go.

Speaker:

Forgive me, daddy for, I have a fracking.

Speaker:

been a naughty boy.

Speaker:

Well,

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Did you mean to put fucking, or did you, did

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you miss type

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I didn't, I didn't put any of that, sir.

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Uh, this is you talking

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this is your script.

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Okay.

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No, no, fucking is the username, but, it's

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Oh, oh, forgive me, daddy for, I fucking have been a naughty boy.

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Got you.

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Got you.

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Got it.

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go.

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As a nanny for a family, with three kids, I stole the mom's diary and read it

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Okay.

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It's not too bad.

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spiritual,

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pretty chill.

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That's

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please.

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No, no, please, please tell me the rest I want to, I want to hear, stealing is not as on the no-no list.

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I think the top 10, no, no list.

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Uh, top 10 on the

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list.

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That's what Moses had on those are written on the

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written on the stone.

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Top 10 no-nos from Moses.

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Uh, anyways, normal family with one boy and two girls.

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However, the mom was a doctor in the maternity ward and would deliver babies all night and sleep all day.

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She was kind of detached and unfriendly and again, she slept all day.

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One time while she was gone.

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I found empty tubes of morphine in her drawers.

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Then I got curious and read her diary.

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Turns out the oldest child.

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The boy was from a previous boyfriend who was an abusive alcoholic.

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Cokehead she left him, took the baby and started a new life.

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Having two children with her new home.

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I worked for them for years and they never told me, I don't think the kids know either.

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They all look the same and you could never tell.

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Eventually I developed my own drug habit and stole her.

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morphine tubes and was shooting up in front of the youngest baby, wholly, even driving them to school.

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I still feel bad about it.

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And I should, I think I'm just going

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to see my way straight down to hell a

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driving.

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Actually father.

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You're good.

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You don't need to tell me

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Yeah.

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Uh, should have probably led with that line.

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sir, um, th the stealing part was the least of our concerns in that.

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Uh, yeah, you're definitely, definitely not getting into heaven.

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I apologize.

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please, please leave.

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Before we burst into flames.

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I'll take the baby dropper to.

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This motherfucker drunk.

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There's more vulgar blaming me.

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And next thing you know, you're shooting up shit in front of a kid, motherfucker.

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sorry.

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I asked you to leave.

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Nah, this is my fucking dog shit.

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Oh my

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God.

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You're back.

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Why are you still here?

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She was looking for parking.

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It's fine.

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only in my park and validated priests.

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Well, talk to the first lady that came in.

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Uh, she's really good at it.

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She scuffed my car.

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I'm I'm probably the best driver.

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Technically I was driving while high on morphine.

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No problems there.

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I didn't dig up.

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Anybody's

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that

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is

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that we know

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of.

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All right.

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thank you

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for whatever that was.

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That might be the last time we ever do that again.

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I

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apologize to, uh,

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to everyone who was involved there.

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Ooh,

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that was fun.

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I'd do it again.

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Yeah.

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And, I think if I went to confession now, they would also DME not able to go to heaven.

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So you know what?

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It's a, it's all good.

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So that is the episode for today.

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What did you think of the assholes and what did you think of confessional times?

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Should we do that again?

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Or should we be banned off of every platform and never allowed to speak again?

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These are my confessions.

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Let us know in the comments or on Twitter and Instagram at Reddit on Wiki.

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If you want to hear more, please consider subscribing to the show and giving us a rating and review on whatever platform you were on before we head out for today.

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Lindsey, would you mind telling us about not your confessions anymore, but uh, yeah.

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yield crime pod cast and, pineapple pizza podcast.

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Would you mind telling us about your podcasts and where we could find.

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Sure.

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a yield crime podcasts.

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I host with my sister medicine, where we talk about crazy historical cases, pre 1900 and pineapple pizza podcast.

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I do with Emily and Ashley from drink, drunk, dead, and studying Scarlet.

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And we talk about.

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Myths, urban legends and cryptids from different regions around the world and incest and cannibalism.

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So

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Oh,

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kind of the things that you're into, you should check us out.

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Um,

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last segment we just did.

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You might enjoy.

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yeah.

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but you can find EO crime at, on Twitter at yield crime pod and on Instagram and Facebook at yield crime podcast.

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And you can find pineapple pizza at pine app, a P P pod on Twitter and pine app podcast on Instagram.

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I had to think about it.

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I was like a test of your knowledge.

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There's so many PS.

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awesome Lindsey.

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Well, thank you for being a good sport today.

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We appreciate having you out as always, , definitely go check out email crime podcasts and pineapple pizza podcast.

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they're amazing shows.

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thank you to my cohost, John and Sean for coming out today, , and for giving their takes.

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And thank you, Wiki maniacs for listening.

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see you on Monday.

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Goodbye.